On Wanting the Good Man

I’ll be frank: I was taught to want the bad guy, the complicated and confused remnant of sideshow interactions and the “intriguing” antihero of ancient fables. My dad was a huge liar with low self-esteem and a painful aversion to intimacy throughout my childhood and like any child, I loved what I had, and subconsciously identified him and much of his positive and negative traits as a model for what I wanted in my own husband some day.

I’m not interested in antiheroes or figuring out some complicated, beleagured soul who deep down has a heart of gold yet struggles with the destructive swamp of psychodrama that I am privileged and honoured to treat as a clinical counsellor and psychotherapist. I reserve the unconditional love and positive regard for people with these issues in my work with patients who are brave and heroic in their choice to face these barriers and difficulties head-on. They inspire me daily and it is the best job in the world to be trained to be there for them in ways that transform after having to transform much of my earlier life. They are imperfectly courageous and take responsibilty for their lives, happiness and wellness, committed enough to themselves to endure the at times tedious, overwhelming, life-changing and miraculous expansion of therapy.

I now hold romantic affection for the stable, self-disciplined straight-shooter; the what-you-see-is-what-you-get, dutiful companion, partner and lover. I now luxuriate in the simplicity of holding hands without speaking, or sharing moments in nature and exploring the world together without expectation or any need to enhance or create more than what is. I am stimulated enough and am the source of my own joy. I am simply interested, as any partner in love is, in sharing this experience with my love and receiving his shared experiences in getting to know the wonder of him.

Wanting the good man has taken me many, many years now. And as I was saying at the beginning of this story, we want what we have as children because this is the “normal” we know, and we only know what we are taught. I taught myself out of the past through diligence, study, processing my own confusion and pain in my own counselling and humility. I owe it to myself and everyone I help to only ask others to do what I have done myself in the interest of their betterment.

The results? I am so grateful I invested in the wonder that is me so I can invest in partnerships and eventually, my physical children.

As I am continuously being reminded, and as the profound Tony Robbins has eloquently put it: I can’t blame my parents for all the bad things without blaming them for all the good things too. I watched his Netflix presentation, I am not your Guru, films in 2014 the other night. Well my parents may have had an impact on my attachment Style, they also ensured I have the absolute best advantages possible 2 have an amazing life. My father was a school teacher as well as a child psychologist and he made sure that I could compete academically. I was reading far above my grade level at a very early age because of their constant support and making School. So many people aren’t that lucky. My mother, constant source of inspiration and strength in her commitment to defending the underprivileged and impoverished, a social worker. They both had their own unique experiences, of course, their own adverse childhood and counters which may have negatively impacted their attachment Styles. But these experiences also made them credibly strong, independent, forward-thinking devoted and intellectually gifted.

Sometimes I forget everything they gave me as I typically socialize in circles where I hang out with people similar to myself but when I am engaged in a training program or activity like what I am now, completing a basic certification to teach yoga in Canada, I’m reminded of the blessings and strengths they endowed upon me. This is also due the feedback of others from all walks of life who do not know me in a professional capacity, but just Jess, the quirky, goofy and highly cerebral woman who loves yoga.

So, thank you to everyone who helped me get this far. And take a look at Kate and Tyler’s wonderful yoga studio, Taiga Yoga in Yellowknife, NT, Canada. Contact @katecovelloyoga for more information.

Be sure to follow my book of meditations, All Our Children on instagram @allourchildrenbook and check out the rest of my articles on psychology, life and how we can expand our collective consciousness through a variety of philosophies and applications.